Sorry I dissapeared on yall. Quick run through: rest of decemeber I hung out with my bff, January first half was spent with best friend, second half i was at school. had some good moments have had some bad moments. Yeah I know that vauge as hell I don't really care.

Today is another day. I met up with a friend for lunch, we went to a place by his apartment, it was good. Called my dad and my mom, I miss them a lot. didn't do any work and just kinda hung out with the people around me. Stood in the kitchen for 4 hours. (I made myself some dinner that I think hurt my stomach). idk thats really it.

ANYWAYS what I really want to talk about is something I realized today. SO last semster, the second week of school my aunt died. We were expecting it to happen but it still hit me like a ton of bricks. Through out that week I also started to have issues with my partner. both hit a breaking point the Saturday of the following week when I was coming back from the funeral. IN the airport waiting to take my connecting flight back to school what I remeber doing is that I crashed out that morning, pulled it together by the time I got to the second airport. I was wandering around the Chicago airport, wasting time and also walking towards my gate. And you want to know what I did? My friend was crashing out on their story, and I scrolled up and started comforting them. This has nothing to do with the friend, what interested me on this reflection is why I did it? something flipped. I remember viscerally the reaction I was having before my first flight. I was so upset over several things I almost started crying in public, it was the most alone I think I have ever felt to date. Truly if I think about that moment for too long a deep deep sadness comes over me. Then I get on the plane, dont fully remember the flight, maybe I just decided to fall asleep or I absent mindedly listened to music, and then I get off the plane and almost immediately start helping someone else. Not many of my friends that go to my college know the details of that week.

did I help that person because I rather work through someone elses problem rather than my own? distraction? avoidance? is it easier to help someone else than yourself? To make myself feel better? Was it because it's what my aunt would have done? I dont know, a mix of all and others I bet. The strongest one probably was the "if I help someone else, I don't have to deal with how horrible my week has been."

that was such a horrible week. After mostly processing it, holy shit that was... if this is the worst thing that happens to me, thank god.

This all being said I do believe my aunt's death and the other events of that week did fundmentally change something in me. I lack the words to give it a title, but something did change.

I think I became kinder. I would like to think I have always been nice, but i feel like I'm nicer. The whole world is a bit nicer? When trying to cope with my aunt's death, a way that made sense to me was to live through her message. She was a beacon of light, kind to everyone, spread so much joy. She defiently left the world better than she found it. She apperciated so many parts of the world. Saw beauty in everything. So I decided to become more like her. Even though she's gone, parts of her still live with me. I channeled it into "hopecore" (I COINED THIS BEFORE THE MEME). Faked it until I made it, but also didn't fake it, I took time to apperciate things more. Walked around nature, was thankful when it rained,sunny or just kinda blagh out. I feel happier but also not at the same time. It help me cope with the fall out of the break up, my aunts passing, and just thoughts of mental illness. It defiently didn't cure anything, I probably should still get medicated for something but it did help lighten the load. For clairfication hopecore isnt toxic positivity. It acknowledges the bad, your allowed to have rough days and feel bad and icky and things can suck, but better days are ahead. "The world keeps spinning, isn't that wonderful?" is the term I like to boil it down to when explainging it.

Hopecore has been hard to balance with the events of this week. ICE raids, trans people getting erased, aids research getting erased, tarrifs, and the looming stock market crash... it's been a really rough time. I'm so incredibly worried for the future of the world. I hope that everything will turn out right in the end but I fear the end will be in a long while. its a rough time. The energy especially at a queer school is pretty bummer. Im usually a pretty jolly person, been called whimsical, however the last two weeks multiple people have came up to me to ask me if I'm okay, I appearently look quiet miserable. I am quiet worried about the world and stressed about it. But I find joy with my friends. I have been making zines in my free time and putting them around school to hopefully boost morale. Hopecore comics about how to spread some joy and what resistance is. In the grand scheme of things probably doing fuck all and I do believe having hope without action is naive. If we just sit around hoping the future will be better without doing anything to make it happen that blind optimism that the democrats in congress do. Being polite and doing nothing, is just going to give us nothing. 0+0 is still 0. I am in a stand still on what to do. I want to continue to create hopecore art but I feel like I should do more. How do I call people to action? I believe boosting morale is important to building a community and a resistance, but when does it become I'm just spreading empty promises? When does it become the toxic positivity?

I think being a doomer is completely useless. Its the same as just sitting around hoping change will happen and not doing anything.

but how do we do anything? How do we continue resistance besides trying to remain hopeful? I dont know. I feel like this is a lot for my 19 year old shoulders to handle. I feel like it's incredibly draining to think about all the time. How do you help those around you in a time like this? is all you can do be there for them?

Today's song is "Don't Listen In Secret" by Seventeen.

Confession: haven't worked on any comic project or any art since Christmas. I think art drain finally hit me. I also just didnt feel a need to make art. Needed some recharge/kept going to bed at 3 am (my sleep schedule has been so fucked since finals its not funny, I'm going to try to fix it soon I promise) Also no schdule is now fucking with me... oh well. Ill create soonish. I do have a plan for a Shadow fan comic... or maybe sonic.. idk which hedgehog Im going to put through it. oh well, I did make a schedule for the next few days so hopefully the routine gets me together..

In other news, I tried to build a Shadow build-a-bear BUT THEY ARE SOLD OUT AND NOT GETTING ANY morE???? THE MOVIE CAME OUT A WEEK AGO!!!!! FUCK YOU MEAN!!!! and apparently they have been sold out for a while! That's just bad marketing!!!!! it's such a cute plushie too..... I'm gonna see if it will come online because I really do want him. He's quiet cute. The sonic and Tails ones are so scary!!!!

Now you might be wondering why they call me the reader! well don't I have an explanation. SOME BACKSTORY: I havent really read much (still need to finish Pete Wentz's book) in the past year, I have a giant stack of books next to my bed that are either half read or not touched (supposed to be like a tbr list) and one of those is a Fairy Tail manga (fun fact about user Naraki__: Fairy Tail was my first anime, I watched it illgeally on youtube) decided to read it, one last thing on my night stand. AND THEN loke gets introduced. Loke was one of my favorites as a kid, I thought he was funny and his character arc was very interesting, !!SPOILERS FOR A SERIES THATS BEEN OUT FOREVER!! the reveal of Loke being one of the celestial spirits WAS A CRAZY TWIST and the reason why he was exiled was very interesting and complex. he was super well written. So that got me thinking..... I wonder if there is any fanfic about Lucy and Loke (the question of "do you think there is fanfic between ____ and ____?" is often a question in my head). AND THERE WAS!!!!

and my gruby little hands landed on a role swap......... meaning Lucy is the spirit of Leo and Loke is the wizard OHUFIEshfyzjbfnjh!!! VERY FUN, I really enjoy how Lucy's haziness and not being a human is written, the psychology is very much fun. It gets a little boring because its a bit of a play by play of everything that happened in the show and manga besides the character swap, meaning I skim through some of it because I just read it. But the psychology of Lucy is so interesting and the way she interacts with characters and all that. Natsu, Gray, and Erza's releationship is also written so well, I LOVE THEIR SIBLING RELEATIONSHIP RARRRRR. Those three interactions with Lucy is very fun too. This person does write the fairy tail guild is a family VERY WELL!!

I'm reading another book as well BUT I now want to talk about Fairy Tail ships because I started to remember my opinions when I was a wee child

"I dont care about Fairy Tail ships! also aren't you an adult?? don't you have other shit to talk about??"

this blog is called Stream of Consciousness for a reason!!!!! I CAN DO WHAT I WANT EAT MY FARTS RAHHHHHHHH

Fairy Tail was some of that media that was super important to me as a child and probably has effected me in my story telling unconsciously, I really don't think about this all that much THAT BEING SAID WELCOME TOOOO

alright folks I'm coming forth with something... I was a Graylu shipper, yeah shoot me down yeah. I'm braver than the marines rn. IN the early chapters/episode (before Juvia) Gray and Lucy had a lot of sweet interactions, Gray wasn't pushy or nagging like Natsu was, always friendly and Lucy was super nice to him. I liked them chemestry better! Juvia....... Then they introduced Juvia..... I think later in the manga she got some character development. I blame the writers for writing her very one note. She is super powerful, but her only thing is shes obsessed with Gray and that being said Gray also becomes very one note later. not much chemestry and just their dynamic made me uncomfortable, Gray was uncomfortable with it. It was just very blurghhhhh.

Nalu isn't even canon which is crazy (I just doubled checked this) ISN"T THAT BONKERS??? They're Edolas counter parts are married I'm pretty sure, but the two we follow throughout the story, never together. Or at least they are never together out right. They being said The creator, Hiro Mashima, draws them together in unoffical art all the time, it is unoffical art. Nalu is cute, they have a very sweet bond and would do anything for the other. They care for each other deeply and they are cute just? yeah thats all I got. ANYWAYS LISSIANA AND NATSU! They are so sweet and the backstory between the two of them I really adore. Truly I do. I enjoyed their backstory and how much the both meant to each other. I don't remember a super lot about Liss but I did like her.

ONE MORE (because I'm starting to feel a bit cringe even tho... no one is gonna see this probably) actually no, I'm sleepy and want to read! BELIEVE ME IM NOT CRINGE PLEASE IM NOT IM COOL IM SUPER COOL HOT AND AWESOME AND EVERYONE WANTS TO MARRY ME PLEASE IM S COOL

debating if todays song should be the music I have been listening too or Snow Fairy hmmmmmmmmm I GOT IT! Todays exit song is "Tsuioku Merry-go-Round" by OnelifeCrew. This is the second closing song to Fairy Tail!

Merry Christmas, happy first day of Hanukkah, and happy Kawanza eve!!! and if there is another winter holiday HAPPY HOLIDAY!!! I hope everyone is doing good and if not good at least well. The lead up to Christmas has been a LOT of baking and drawing. I mdae 3 different type of cookies (34 each) and then my cousin invited me over to learn how to make a yule log cake which was quiet good. My cousin also told me she was pregnant but i didn't hear her so I just nodded and she looked so bummed at me. Her husband then made a comment and THEN I REALIZED WHAT WAS SAID AND I WAS LIKE OH MY GOD SORRY!! YES YES YES CONGRATS SORRY!!! i felt so embarrassed. Oh well it has passed and time moves on

Christmas went off pretty well, got what I wanted. My lovely lovely friend Webforest got me in secret santa and made this new little header for this section of my website! Web also made me a button! which I'll upload when I have this site actually running-running more!!! both were very sweet and so personal gifts. I legit almost started crying when it was revealed! I ALSO GOT MORE INK FOR MY FUDE PEN SO NOW I CAN START ON THAT COMIC!!! GUYS I WILL MAKE A MULTIPLE AGE COMIC OVER BREAK I WILL I WILL I WILL!!!!

Anyways...! the other day I went on a mission to go and get a ROM of Sonic Unleashed, I legit spent the WHOLE FUCKING DAY SEARCHING! I finally found a Wii one. had a small little break down cause it wasnt working. Webforest had to explain a few things and because of that I finally got it to work! I havent played much so farrrrr but it's very fun and I'm so excited! I'm enjoying it immensely! the Sonic brain worms are defiently back at fulllllll force. Genuinely it's one of the only things I have been thinking about. I READ A WHOLE ASS SONIC FAN COMIC THE OTHER DAY, just cause it popped up, it had 8 40 page issues... and it's still going. If you want to read it I'll link it here! It a bit of a different telling of Sonic Unleashed, it's super good! also I always just enjoy seeing how peoples work improves over time. I hope maybe someone might be able to see how I improved on this website.

I also need to take my T shot... I'll do it tomorrow, whats the worse that can happen

Trying to remember that emotions are valid but dewelling does no good. just some advice I gotta internalize better, ebb and flow of things am I right???? oh well... probably should take that t shot.

ANYWAYS!!! I hope everyone is having a lovely day: Todays song comes from a sonic edit...lalalalala "Impacto" by Enjambre and Lo Blondo.

So after I posted yesterday my older sister figure called me and we talked till 4 am....................I KNOW I SWEAR ILL FIX MY SLEEP SCHEDULE!!!! we didn't really have a coherent conversation because we talked about 49873298753984574 things, I remember mostly the last part where I explained to her the Sonic Archie comics and she was just bamboozled. As most people are when they learn about Ken Penders........ what a guy....

so because of thatttttt I didn't get out of bed until around 12:30.......... not great for trying to create a schedule. I felt very blaughudhfieuhfiuer all day, wanted to work on punk comic... couldnt. wanted to work on any art....couldnt..... it was a bad work day.. really wanted to do more than I did but oh well.. sometimes you can't. So realizing pretty early on today that I couldn't make art, I turned my focus somewhere else: BAKING AND COOKING!!!!!

So I made ANOTHER COOKIE DOUGH, this time just plain sugar cookie dough, HOWEVER I split it in half died one red (we didn't have food coloring so I mortared and pestled some red sugar sprinkles...) and kept the other half plain, and twisted it so that they look like candy canes!!!! It was cute. AND THEN for some reason I had the strong compeling idea to make dumplings. I had to do TWO store trips (because I forgot to by cabbage) and worked on them for 3 hours.... I still have a lot of left over filling so tomorrow will be even more of this... and let me tell you, you could only dream of making dumplings as ugly as I did.... They are mainly horrifically ugly because I hand made the dough and didnt fully roll it our so some of them are just super lumpy and bad looking. BUT BUT BUT BUT BUT BUT BUT they are all edible! they were super yummy.

Tomorrow when I get up (WHICH WILL BE AT 8 O CLOCK AM) I'm going to drive to the international market and by dumpling wrappers and make 392745827620361 dumplings.... I fear a lot of people are getting dumplings and cookies on christmas eve, hopefully they enjoy all of it.

they were super good.... I want more....

also during this time, my mom just put on Shrek the Halls by free choice and watched it, that was fun. And then we watched 2 christmas hallmark movies. they were fine. Overall a really good night.

Todays song: "Live and LEarn (Junkie XL version)" By Junkie XL. very much still thinking about sonic.

the last few days, i played league with friends (I KNOW I KNOW I KNOW I KNOW IM SORRY), made two cookie doughs, Watched Hot Frosty (ITS ASS DONT), working on art projects and such.

guys guys guys guys guys guys guys guys guys guys guys guys guys guys guys guys guys guys guYS GUYS GUYS GUYS GUYS GUYS GUYS GUYS GUYS GUYS GUYS GUYS GUYS GUYS

as Sonic fan number 1 (this is most defiently not true) it was good. No, I'm not going to critically analyize a kids movie that was made to sell toys. It was a fun kids movie, and thats all I really want from my Sonic movie at the end of the day. It was cute, fun, and had a good message. Sonic is played very well as always by Ben Schwartz and Jim Carrey didn't annoy me this time! I felt Sonic 2 Jim Carrey is being himself times 20000000, Eggman always had to have some quirky one liner even when he wasn't the focus of the scene, it felt like the directors REALLLLLY wanted you to know big retired actor Jim Carrey is back for SOnic and they want everyone to know it, look how funny he is. It annoyed me, I thought he was cringy at times and just really wanted him to shut up at others. Now with him playing 2 characters, I was really worried, I didn't need to be. Jim Carrey did such an amazing job distiguishing both characters, I didn't think either was annoying once, and both were quiet compelling. Eggman was actually quiet dimensional this movie, he felt more real and not some cartoon, I really enjoyed it. As always Tails and Knuckles I feel like were quiet underused/wasn't enough time for them (or maybe don't water Knuckles down to some idiot), they aren't the focus but they felt side characters of side characters. I do wish to see more of them but simply wasn't enough time (pacing was a bit of an issue). NOW FOR SHADOW!! I'll say this first, I WAS PISSED when it was announced that Shadow was going to be voiced by Keaneu Reeves, I was like "Oh great! another big name actor that can't voice act to sell tickets!" I was sorely wrong. Keaneu did a great job! Shadow felt like shadow and not like Keaneu voicing Shadow (Much like Anya Taylor Joy as Princess Peach or Chris Pratt's Mario felt to me) Keaneu felt like shadow. I truly do wish there was more shadow, as every fan wishes when shadow is in any Sonic media. (he was in the movie a good chunk, I just always want more shadow he's so cool and interesting). Can't do much about it.

I feel like Maria was watered down a bit and i didn't love that they changed game lore for the movie HOWEVER I recognize they changed it because 1. the movies are it's own world and 2. they didn't even deeply go into it in Sonic Adventure 2. Also brutal child death by gun shot probably isn't the best thing for kids to see.

Now getting into Spoilers territory: My favorite part of the movie. Sonic and Shadow's talk about grief. It was such a sweet message genuinely such such such a sweet message. I lost my aunt this year and it was crushing to me. and a very similar thought process has been keeping me going of "her impact is always with me", so hearing Sonic and Shadow talk about how the love people gave us will never go away even if they aren't there was so heart warming. Especially for kids who might have lost someone, it's a good mentality to have. It was also a very nice metaphor with stars and star's light, it truly was beautiful to me.

Someones love for you doesn't go away just because they are gone. Your soul is still warmed by the idea of them and what they did for you.

truly sweet.

Todays song: "Die Young" covered by Penny Parker from the Sonic 06 Fandub.

OKAY REWIND TIME, quick run down of Friday. Finished my last class of the semster (history of Rock and ROll), we played rock and roll jeopardy, I got to be team captain of a trivia team AGAIN!!!! LETS FUCKING GOOOOOOOO!!!! Was given TWO new monkey stuffed animals (I bough ONE monkey stuffed animal last year, and now I keep being given silly little guys, very fun) Said goodbyes to folks, messed around with art styles, got crepes with 4 pals and then watched the end of season 2 of Dexter (it was good, I kinda wish Lila became a bigger on going villian). AND THENNNNNN I went back to the dorm to decorate my roommates and I tree, two people came over to watch HIT CHRISTMAS MOVIE OF THE SEASON: RED ONE !!! IT WAS ASSSSSSSS. Packed up my clothes and then went to bed

NOW SATURDAY! got on a plane, slept on plane, landed back home. Kinda just sat around and then fell asleep at 7. WOKE BACK UP at 10 and could not for the life of me fall back asleep screaming and crying. So I started a comic and made layouts for other scripts. Does Naraki know how to relax???? no. Is Naraki stressing himself out with HIS OWN PROJECTS??? yes. I do see the problem of me stressing myself out all the time, I want you to know that and recognize that. but anyways, finally fell back to sleep around 2 am.

NOW TODAY!!! woke up around 10, layed around, started to finish that comic (8 pages) (it wasnt a super detailed comic it was quiet simple) had lunch, finished comic, tried to play Marvel Rivals, realized I sucked big ol balls at it, just kinda layed around because like I could do more creative projects but I didnt really want too because I just finished 8 pages of comic but the clock is ticking but WHATEVER but yeah... and then got dinner with the fam and watch Sound of Music with fam. I'm also trying to figure out what the hell to get my brother for Christmas. Is it bad I dont know what he wants??? We have never been close but we both are somewhat trying to make an effort??? IDK I'll figure it out. I'll go shopping tomorrow and get out of the house

Okay last few days updated!!!! I have planned out my goals for this break, punk comic, secret santa comic (might turn this into just an illustration but that gets planned tomorrow), maybe two more little hopecore comics, a script for my friend to penicl, some more scripting for Firon and Teagam, and some fun Firon and Teagan art to sprinkle through. thats... thats a lot of things I know.... but I'll get a few of them done, hopefully all. I don't have a lot planned for break, so I most likely have the time.

I think I need other hobbies.

Today's song "Teenage Dream" By Stephan Dawes.

AFTER 79832587385365 YEARS IM DONE. finals are over. never need to think about them again, time to truly relax.

today was such a good day, My last Chatfield class was fun, made people make zines in the class, it was silly. Went to hotpot with 3 friends and burned my entire mouth but it was fine because it was good company, idk if hotpot is for me doesnt taste the best but like i said the company was great. THEN I came back and taught a friend mahjong while 5 other friends came over to watch 8 Crazy Nights. The adam sandler movie. It was defiently a film. EXTREMELY well animated but the content was crazy. I really need to connect more with my Jewish roots... But it was an extremely lovely night, one of the nights where you kinda go "yeah this is what collage is all about.

did it force me to go to bed after 3... yeah but.. who gives a shit. it was a lovely expierence.

you know what one of my favorite human things is. Its when your being hugged and your like "i-think-its-time-to-pull-away" so you loosen up but the other person doesnt and just holds you a bit longer so you re adjust and hold back. it makes you feel loved. Of course this isnt true for all scanerios but for friends and loved ones it is for me. Im not the biggest hug person, as much as I want hugs I dont love touch, but its kind and sweet. So what im slightly uncomfortable, its so nice. People are filled with so much love. we need to apperciate it more.

Tonights song "Honeybee" by Steam Powered Girraffe (even tho I have just been listening to yesterday's song on repeat... this song fits todays warmth much better

Finals kicked my ass but I'm mostly done, need to finish a painting and fix a few spelling mistakes and im back and KICKINGGGGGGGG. had to lock the fuck in, my sleep schedule is so fucked its not even funny, dont think i went to bed before 3 at all in the last two weeks (multiple times i was up till 5,,,,,my friends kept looking at me like i was a dead man walking). Keep in mind the majority of my finals i felt like i was keeping pretty good time with, oh well doesn't matter winter break is in 2 days and i can work on this punk comic world, and my website, and ssleep, and prepare for junior review. 4 things.

ngl dont remember much of the last two weeks... i hung out? i did work? i didn't sleep? Im really into Spring Awakening rn. (by that i mean I have only listened to "Bitch of Living) I think im going to inspire the main character in my comic to kinda look like Moritz from the broadway production (who fun fact was inspired by the way Robert Smith dressed). very fun. That stupid song is so good, and I really want to analyize the dance, or read someone else do it because i want to know why its choreo the way it is, right when they get to the chorus after Moritz's verse they all face different directions, the only two facing the audience is Moritz and Melchior (who does not particpate in the song till the last 3rd and is sitting still and silently) grr idk i feel like theirs symbolism in all the way they face and I want to know what it is. Because its not symmetrical they are in a weird order and its not always the opposite side. Is Moritz facing the audience because he is an outsider in the musical?? who knows idk. Ill figure it out however.

I started doing a comic jam with a friend, I just made the first page and he will do the next, its something chill and relaxed, nothing high stakes, simply to make us interact with each other over break and such and pratice our black and white inking with no colors, we will see.

im quiet tired. im going to be early-ish, need to fix this schedule NEOW. good night

todays song is "The Bitch of Living" from Spring Awakening (everyone acts suprised).

I dont know why I don't want to go back to school. If I really think about it going back to college, there is nothing horrible waiting there. I have a bed there, plenty of friends, I'm learning things I want to learn. I get to explore a new city and enjoy the world around me, not to mention my car is currently there. I think the concept of time passing has always been terrifying to me. I have older parents, i really need to call more, need to fit it in my schedule. I need to call people more in general.

Sadly i think the main reason i dont like collage currently is because of one person... and i cant let one person ruin my school time. Thats not only embarrassing, it also like i have zero self respect. get up off the ground. Im also late on taking my T shot so it could be that too? idk it also might just be that time of year where you just kinda rot a bit. WHO KNOWS!!!!!!!

i miss alot of my friends, i wish i can see the friends that dont go to school or live around me visit, or go visit them. I think i really need them right now. Seeing them could maybe mentally fix something in me. They are so important to me, more than they will ever know or comprehend. I will always love them, that will never fade, every day my heart yearns for them. I think my heart yearns for everyone. There is a lot of love in this world, focus on that rather than some aloof twink thats head is so far up their own ass. Their business is not my business, my business is not theirs. Whatever they do does not concern me, whatever i do does not concern them.

there is light in my life, there is love in my life, there is warmth in my life.

time keeps turning and i must go with it, trying to fight against it the tide is not a battle i can win. So i must walk with it, enjoy what i have with who i have.

tonights song is "Spin the Wheel" from Arcane.

I don't care i dont care i dont care i dont care i dont care i dont care i dont care i dont care i dont care i dont care i dont care i dont care i dont care i dont care i dont care i dont care i dont care i dont care i dont care i dont care i dont care i dont care i dont care i dont care i dont care i dont care i dont care i dont care i dont care i dont care i dont care i dont care i dont care i dont care i dont care i dont care i dont care i dont care i dont care i dont care i dont care i dont care i dont care i dont care i dont care i dont care i dont care i dont care i dont care i dont care i dont care i dont care i dont care

i could probably right that sentence till my hand falls off.

just.... UGH SHUT UP!!!!!!!! I DONT FUCKING CARE I REALLY DONT! HOW ARE YOU SO FUCKING BLIND. DO YOU REALLY NEVER THINK ABOUT YOUR ACTIONS EFFECTING ANYONE ELSE??? DO YOU EVER THINK OF THEM? THATS A SKILL WE LEARNED AS A FUCKING CHILD. FOR SOMEONE SO ANXIOUS ABOUT LOOSING THE PEOPLE AROUND THEM YOU NEVER STOP AND THINK ABOUT HOW YOUR ACTIONS CAN HURT???? well im not exactly someone i think you care to keep around anymore, we are barely in eachothers lives. The only reason i have to interact with you is because of mutuals.

you piss me off so much i feel bile climb my throat when ever i see you. If i even talk around you i worry ill gag.

i genuienly can't deal with you. you hurt me. STILL. and even when you were told by several people you did, i don't think you fully believe you did anything wrong. I dont think you think did anything to harm me. This is all an assumption, and assumptions get you know where. but thats how i feel with how quickly you toss these words around, how quickly your actions are to others compared what you did for me. things you have said recently. I truly hope you learned something. I truly hope you never treat anyone the way you treated me. AND IF FOR SOME REASON YOU DO, i hope they put you in your place. I hope they can say things i cant. I hope that person lets themselves feel that anger and let you know it.

your kindness feels sour and curdled. a play. an act.

you make me feel as though I am back in highschool, surrounded by people who didn't actually like me. Friends of circumstance. Friends that treated me like i was toilet paper on their shoe.

i didnt think someone would hurt me the same way they did. That was naieve. I will meet people much meaner than them and you, i will get hurt worse than either of the two again. I will learn to bring my gaurd down again and be vulenerable, not all will end this way. Not all have. I am brave and strong. I have people i can hold the hand of to get through this. I don't need to be brave alone. I need those around me. I have those around me. This will pass. I will feel my emotions for once

do you ever sense something so deeply wrong in you. I dont want to believe it , that's just a self-fulling prophecy, but if not believing it (and ignoring it) just preventing the invenetible, borrowed time, that will only make the eventual crash out worse? Faking it till you make it works but I have been faking it so much i have ignored all this anger, sadness, and grief; it's just festering. festering, spreading to this joy with the simplest reminder. old insecurties have been popping back up, things i haven't thought about in a while. like if the people around me actually like me, if my friends want to be my friends, am i even close to the people around me or am i just a weird floater thats there to tell a few jokes, do something stupid, and then just eventually be forgotten? Fun thoughts.

i want to process these dumb emotions, i really do. i just. im scared processing them will be bad. things get worse before the get better, the only way is through, i know i know i KNOW. theres never going to be a good time to process anything ever, i just have to do this. i just rather not be insanely depressed during finals. or ever? i just. i dont know. im scared. and i cant really tell the majority of my friends why im upset. I refuse to make something that isn't their business, their business. i just really want a hug. I dont feel alone, but i do? I know people care for me. I know people love me. I just always feel like their is this invisible barrier between me and the rest of the world, either due to actual distance, or something else. There are people im close too, i just only get to see them once a year. I should call them more. I miss them alot.

i miss every person ever. I miss people i dont even know.

I'm so violently aware about how others react to others vs me, who gets more cheers, who gets more reaction. It's not a good trait. I know its not. but its something im always counting, like if their were points. Im trying to stop. just in the back of my brain there is always this counter, and my score i always signifcantly lower than everyone elses. I know my perception of myself is screwed so i probably have more points than i think. I just, I think where the majority of my issues stem from is this intense feeling of being less than. this fear that i'm not good enough, there is someone better so why should someone bother with me? I dont feel like im the kindess or sweetest person, im not always the nicests. I try to carry my self in a way where i am these traits but i dont know if i am. it's just ugh. who knows? who knows.

when i tell people this is how i think of myself i am often told "well i think of you this ways." and its fasinating how different perception can be. and how i can't get myself to see what they see. I know how i think of myself is irrational and not right. I do fundementally understand this, it just doesn't fully click. It's so interesting how self perception and self worth works. Partly genetic, partly circumstanstial, its nature and nurture. Throws a wrench in that whole arguement because it is both. We see ourselves slight because of how our parents see themselves, it's something hardwired into us, we are hardwired to just have this weird dissonance with ourselves. Programed to just kinda hate ourselves, what was that evolutionary need? Well its not really evolutionary its techincally just generational truama. So you have generational truama and then, if you think of yourself negatively, its also most liekly due to some other truama. Bullying, high standards set by parents, or a multiude of 98274382374032 things.

we simply just live like this. isnt that crazy?

positive self talk does help. it really does. I just kinda have back slid.

sorry for the extremely personal entry today, just kinda had to speak my shit, the point of this is just to let me scream into the void. how processing emotions kinda work, gotta put them somewhere because bottling them wont do anything. i am loved, i am cared for, i have people in my corner, i will always have people in my corner, i will be okay, the world will turn and i will get out of bed. i will be brave.

todays song is "Anthem for a Seventeen Year-Old Girl" by Yeule.

Quick run down of today: Costco, homework, watcher Everywhere, Everything, All At Once with my mother, and thats really all my day has been

NOW! Mentally!

1. I want to make a comic about people in a band, thats litterally the whole idea, thats really it but I want to sit down and think more about it and draw out the characters and plot and if I can do all of that then maybe I'll have an entry for short box!!!!
2. I want to read. I need to finish Pete Wentz's book, read my research on Johnny Cash, find a stupid silly chirstmas romcom book so I can feel joy and whimsy in my heart, and my 9483784578345057835y23 comics I have read yet. God I got so much shit I need to read, its not funny anymore holy SHIT!!!!!!
3. I want to get back into playing HADES, I was good at it over the summer and never finishe dit because I started working, and then collage started and I didnt think I would have time because how busy was with being in a releationship, homework, and friends. (one of those I dont have to worry about anymore) and even that all being said I absolutely would not have time to play HADES when I go back because of Homework and friends. (also all this being said if I have the option to be social, I will ALWAYS pick being social)
4. I really need to watch Firefly, I love Nathan Fillion so much its not funny. A pal of mine told me a while back I should watch it and then he showed up in the Modern Family episode I watched a few days ago and remembered: "Oh Wasn't he in that show that Abed from Community got really upset about being canceled"

   4.2. re watch Community

5. the afformention Ex... really enjoying how my emotions keep ping ponging all over the place. I will state this now, breaking up with them was the right choice, I dont regret doing it, and I do not want to get back together with them. That all being said, I just throws up violently everywhere and curb stomps myself. One day I hate them, the other I can coexist, and then sometimes I want to be their friend. and then I remember something they did and I get extremely angry all over again BECAUSE WHAT WAS ANY OF THAT?!?!!?!?!? If I play back any aspects of our break up or what lead up to our break up, I genuienly think something in my brain starts smoking. Cause all of it was just... what the fuck How did we even get there? Genuinely???? Today was one of the "maybe we could be friends again." even though majority of my brain does not want that. Genuinely like what the fuck were those two months. This all started because my aunt died. When I remember that small piece of information, I genuinely believe 2 years of my life gets taken off out of pure astonishment. I want to start screaming into a pillow because now I'm remembering even MORE of what happened like holy shit. Eggshells. actaully go watch paint dry. touch grass. GROW!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! if they ever find this and read this, bury me 723846237472 feet under, this is how I'm processing the the shit show this has all been.
6. then misc: I really want oranges. Should I watch a bootleg of WICKED or have my mom and I go see the movie, or should I just read the book? I should call some friends, and lastly HOMEWORK HOMEWORK HOMEWORK FINALS FINALS FINALS.

so a lot going on for someone whos only been awake for 6 hours. (woke up at 12 and now its offically 12 the next day). lalaalallalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalallaal I'm full of so much joy and whimsy #hopecore!!!!!!! (someone shoot me in the skull)

(actaully don't)

(I need to decide what I'm going to do about WICKED)

(probably going to see the movie with my mom would make her happy, that would be the good thing to do)

(I could always watch a bootleg later)

(same as the book)

now with all said in done thats all I got for today. Tomorrow I will actually wake up early, get some more homework done, and maybe do some more fun art, It is break after all!

Current song is "Apartment Song" by Jesse Detor.

I mostly slept and been doing homework thats due tomorrow. But Naraki, you just said you were on break? I went home early cause my school year has been hell and I'm only missing one class. Speaking of such.... I still havent finished the homework for that class... Still need to pencil 2 pages.... Theres not much on either of those pages, I just want to do something fun and joyful. (I gotta finish them beforeeeee i can go do fun joy).

idk what my fun joy actvitiy would be yet either, probably reading and finally setting up my mp3. maybe draw for fun???? who knows at this point. Im just kinda conked the fuck out you know???. That being said i gotta work a bit on finals every day so I dont die from the sheer mountain of work when I get back. so funnnnnnnnnnnnnnnn

I really don't have much to write about today, I dyed my hair? its a bit pink, red, and purple. maybe ill put a refrence. idk

honestly im just so at peace. im in my bed, im surrounded by all my comics and everything I care about. My dog is back asleep in my bed right next to me. You know this morning she woke up and left and then came back and cried at me until I also got out of bed with her cause she didn't want me out of her sight. Shes so strange and sweet. Anyone who says unconditional love is fake has never seen me and my dog.

Current song is "Shady Lane" by Pavement.

Haven

After trudging through mud, you finally made it home.

That's all you’ve been wanting.

You scraped your knees against rocks

Dirt deep embedded into your skin

Aching legs that can barely move through that sludge

But You hung on for that promise of home.

Where the scent of hair dye mixes with late nights jumping around to the same music you listen to now, that first taste of rebellion.

Piles of books scattered in every space, some stolen.

The paint you caked into the carpet that never fails to piss off ma and pa., maybe this was your first taste of rebellion.

The safety net.

Away from all bad.

Protected you when needed a break.

And god are you tired.

Your muscles can relax

Your mind can stop scrambling

No one can hurt you, no one can bother you.

A place decorated with memories.

Connections to all those who have brought you joy. Who all who have made you safe.

You will eventually have to go back through the sludge, can’t hide forever.

But for now, rest. heal.

Listening to "Fin (a long and untold story about how it's meant to be)"> By Oragami Angel

Realized I forgot to pack my headphone charger and kindle charger (i dont really know where my kindle charger is at the moment so it might not even be at my dorm, it could be at my house) oh well! I won't be using either because i get to have my own room again and can stay up with the lights on to read. I could have bigger problems to deal with.

Yesterday while running on very little sleep, I played BlackPink monopoly with friends (got absolutely demolished), did about 4 loads of laundry, went to a different friend's place where he told me I will have to learn CSS to make this website.... and taught me some chess as well as code.

Realizing extremely quickly this side project will be about 84327987539485729472 times more complicated than orginally thought of, and I already thought this was going to be hella complicated. Little worried abouth that... however I got two pals that know how to code and will help me fix my problems. I can't be any worse than Yandere Dev at coding, right? I hope so....

Been at the airport for about 2 hours already not doing much. I spent a good chunk of time searching for "Grey" by Pete Wentz to read. Couldn't find it any place I have a library card so had to take a different approach... (i got it now on my phone) I'll get to reading it on the plane. I should be working on my comic finals...however I deserve some joy and wonder so im gonna have fun until I'm home

So thats what I'm up too. I think due to this being a blog, I feel like I should document what I have learned with the coding languages. Today I learned how to put an image in (scroll now to previous entry to see my comic), how to make text bigger and smaller, and how to do details. I know these are pretty basic things to a coder who has done anything more than me HOWEVER I DONT CARE!!!!!!!!! IM NOT A SEASON CODER IM A SOPHMORE IN COLLEGE WHO HAS NEVER DONE CODING!!!!!! IM PROUD OF MYSELF!!!

most likely gonna fuck around with a few more things. My friend told me not to make a template first and start working on my main page.....however my main page takes me drawing a bit more and I cant do that until I get home to take a refrence. I would like to format these better than they are currently, pretty lack luster. Maybe todays other goal is just learning how to customize the text a bit more and squish it in a bit.

I should head to my plane. Currently listening to "7 minutes in heaven (Atavan Halen)" by Fall Out Boy

I've been awake kinda doing nothing. I read through MCR and FOB's wikipedia pages, nothing I dont already know. My phone died so i can't listen to "Golden" on repeat. For some reason created a blog page that I doubt anyone will find or look through. On top of that I'm trying to teach myself Html something that will not go well. The very little HTML I know is from toyhouse and even there I don't exactly try to figure it out.

I don't know my main motivation to make a blog at this moment. Maybe I yearn for Myspace or the early 2000's when everyone was doing this, maybe I just need a place to put everything because I just got out of a releationship and dont know where to put every single thought, maybe im just doing another thing to distract myself from doing my finals, or maybe I just need something to do so I dont think about my ex. There are many possiblities. It also is something I can keep from everyone I know, at least right now. I guess I could just make another Tumblr blog but I'm to worried about people seeing it/i misclick shit all the time.

If people want to know my deepest thoughts they have to search for it... or honestly just talk to me, I'm pretty open about most things. I say that and then not tell anyone when I am upset.

I feel likt there is something in the air. I have had to talk down 3 friends in the last month. It's worrying. Everyone around me is doing poorly and there isn't much I can do about it besides be there. So if I gotta put my shit somewhere else then of fucking well, I will. Besides I think something like this will serve me right (if I even continue it).

I kinda drop things alot of the time. I should continue it, its fun to learn new things and I can do something that isnt work on junior review during my whole winter break. I should probably start looking for a job this winter.... I can hear my roommate snoring in the other room, I hope he is dreaming well. I guess that's it for right now.

A comic I made today due to an event that had rude snobby rich people at my school. Did this instead of working on finals.